I remember when I first started telling people about getting accepted into the Peace Corps. The responses varied but the one I remember the most is "If anyone can do it, it's you, Mandy."
I don't bring that comment up now to pat myself on the back. That isn't my intention. But I was thinking about it the other day and what makes me fit for the Peace Corps.
Because, people, I can tell you I have felt FAR from a good Peace Corps Volunteer recently. I think it's a combination of coming off of being really sick and feeling like I haven't gotten into a good rhythm yet in terms of teaching. I'll get there. I have been thinking a lot recently - because there is just so much time to think when serving in the Peace Corps. The story in my head recently has been a mixture of the following thoughts:
What if I'm not good enough to do this?
What if I'm not strong enough to do this?
What if I'm not outgoing enough to do this?
What if I'm not smart enough to do this?
It doesn't matter if you're in the Peace Corps or not. I know I am not the only one who has had these thought patterns before. I'm definitely not the only one who has made this story up in my head. I've heard others (as well as myself) talk about enoughness in terms of jobs, relationships, and the other roles we take on in life. I am not qualified enough to do this job. He cheated on me because I'm not skinny/pretty/nice enough. I'm not strong enough to finish a marathon. People won't want to be friends with me - I'm not outgoing or funny enough. We feel like we are lacking or don't have what it takes to do something. And when we really get to questioning ourselves, we look outside for someone to cheer us on and say "You got this!" or "You can do this!". We look for our enoughness in awards, in promotions, in compliments,...from others. But what I'm realizing, especially here, is I am enough. And you know what? In those moments of not knowing what to do or questioning myself, I was enough. Everytime. Even when life gets tough or poop hits the fan. I am enough. I don't need others to tell me this (though sometimes it feels nice). And even though I don't believe it all the time, I'm trying to. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to misstep. And that's perfectly alright. I don't need to look for validation anywhere else but here (points to my chest). As long as I'm doing my best that is enough. I am enough.
And guess what? You're enough, too!
This is my afternoon snack. It's a guava. It has absolutely nothing to do with enoughness. I just wanted to show you. So there it is.